One thing is certain about myself – I get bored easily. Going to change the format of these posts a little bit by eliminating the gratitude portion and include more insights and thoughts about art and creativity. Yesterday I spent about six hours doing art – a first for me. Normally I’m only able to steal an hour or two at any given time. Then I read a line from some essay/blog post (honestly can’t remember) that said (paraphrasing) that to do the things we really want to do we need not FIND the time, but MAKE the time to do them. This is an important concept to grasp: finding the time means everything else in your life is taking precedence over the thing you want most. Whereas with making the time, you are carving out specific time to do thing you love/want most, while everything else follows behind. Honestly, this isn’t a new concept for me – I’ve always known this. But old habits die hard – it was always easier to place art (or writing, or whatever) last on my to-do list because it seemed like a luxury. But there will always be something that needs attention around the house, regardless of how caught up I feel with the to-do list. So yesterday I put everything aside and just did art. And it was nice. I admit at times I found myself getting impatient (as I do) over minor issues while painting (the color wasn’t flowing right, the paint was lifting because I didn’t allow enough time for it to dry between layers). And when I caught myself getting tense, I literally stopped, took a deep breath, and refocused. So what if the paint wasn’t flowing right? After it dries, you can just paint over it. And what’s the rush? Just start another painting while you wait for this one to dry. So simple, yet I allow myself to succumb to the pressures from my ego to always be perfect, who then pushes, “While you’re at it, hurry the hell up!”
Once I realigned, getting into the creative flow was immensely relaxing. It’s amazing how time flies when I’m in the flow – the six hours flew by, and I enjoyed every minute. The second image below is one of the new paintings I’m working on. I love painting island landscapes and sea life – it brings me to absolute serenity.
People ask if I can paint things other than tropical scenery. While I can certainly try, frankly, I have no interest in doing so. Does this reduce my ability to make money or garner a larger fan base? Possibly. Do I care? Nope. In my year of authenticity, I must always remain true to myself and do only what resonates with me. And in doing so, I will attract those who feel the same and appreciate the work I do and enjoy the fact I specialize my art. Makes us both happy! So each Monday I have off (which is every other Monday) will now be dedicated solely to art. I will also make time for it during the weekends as well, if even only for an hour. Hubby always steals away time for himself by playing guitar, video games, or playing softball and baseball, so why aren’t I doing the same for me and my art? Slow progression is better than no progression at all.
Yesterday I received good news from my orthopedic doctor – no more crutches! Yay! But I still cannot do anything weight-bearing for the moment. I go Thursday for an ultrasound injection into the hip to ease the residual pain I am having (which is from the labrum not the fracture, which he said is healed at this point). Onward & upward! So excited to really being moving forward with this injury. It’s been a complete drain on me physically and mentally.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon doing art – it was wonderful. Started a new larger painting and embarking on a larger colored pencil drawing. The drawing will be a real test of my patience, but I am determined to master it.
Spring isn’t far away now! Woo hoo! I feel a tremendous amount of positive energy at the moment. It’s going to be a great month of progress.
Short and sweet this morning as I have a lot to catch up on with the day job. Peace, love, happiness and harmony always.
I am grateful we are able to book our summer vacation today.
I am grateful I feel so good today.
I am grateful to be at home with hubby and Kiara.
I am grateful for my job and my great boss. I am blessed because I know many are not so fortunate.
I am grateful we are one day closer to spring!
I decided to put more effort into a bigger garden this year. I ordered seeds online and they came in yesterday, so this weekend I will be getting them going. Tomatoes, cucumbers, kale, spinach, three bell peppers (yellow, orange, red), and carrots. Also going to plant lettuce and herbs, but not sure if they’ll be in containers or out there with everything else. It feels wonderful knowing I will be free to spend more time on this. In the past I was always consumed with whatever side gig I was trying to do, so gardening was seen as more of an annoyance. I will enjoy the process of tending to the garden – such a meditative process really.
Since letting go of the need to actively pursue a full-time art career I feel so much lighter. I feel calm. I am genuinely thrilled at the thought of just taking an afternoon to read. I am delighted to be able to draw and paint without the pressure of having to get it right, or to hurry up and produce as much as possible. I am genuinely happy. Letting go has opened my eyes to the world around me instead of the narrow focus of me and only me and whatever “dream” I was chasing. I place dream in quotations because with each endeavor I have undertaken (the writing, the t-shirt business, the need to pursue a full-time art career) I labeled it “my dream” when in reality none of these were what I was after at all. What I really wanted was financial freedom, along with be able to do work I found intellectually stimulating. I thought by working for myself both of these desires would be met. I thought by forcing them they would come true. Not so – at all. Being an entrepreneur may bring financial freedom at some point, but there is a whole helluva lot of work to get there. And the work really never ends. The truth is my current job already does provide me financial freedom. I do very well for myself already and I’d be a fool not to be grateful for it. And for the intellectually stimulating work, while my current job may not always provide this, I am now free to engage in all kinds of learning. I LOVE learning! There are SO many things I want to do in my life, so much I’ve put off in pursuit of someone else’s dream, that learning all things that interest me will provide all the brain food I could ever want.
But the biggest lesson learned since letting go of my dying “dreams” is that I am enough. I am enough as I am right now. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I don’t need a thousand likes on social media to tell me I’m good enough. I don’t need the approval of strangers to tell me I’m talented, or that I have a great life. I know these things already. I am enough – the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned.
I am grateful to be watching birds feed outside my window right now. So peaceful to observe.
I am grateful to have made more progress on setting up my studio space in the living room.
I am grateful for making baguettes for the first time yesterday. What a long process! (More on this below.)
I am grateful I had a peaceful weekend.
I am grateful to be back into practicing mindfulness.
One of of the things on my “must-do”list is learning to make perfect baguettes. One of my absolute favorite pleasures in this life is a fresh-baked French baguette. Crispy on the outside but delicately soft and chewy on the inside. Some of the best I’ve had were while vacationing in St. Maarten (second to those in Paris many years ago). I found this recipe while browsing through Pinterest and decided a slow Sunday morning was the prime time to give it a go. What unfolded was a true test of patience and an unplanned lesson in mindfulness.
It’s a called a “Four-Hour Baguette” and it took every bit of four hours from start to finish. I tip my hat to all the hard-working bakers who start their day in the wee hours of each morning to prepare and bake all those delectable sweets and breads we love so much. It’s a lot of hard work! Combine the water and yeast – then wait. Mix the flour and yeast water – and wait. Knead the dough for at least ten minutes, then place in a covered bowl, then place in a cold oven – then wait. And so it went. I found myself at times being tempted to swear off ever making the recipe again because it was taking too long. Then I asked myself, “Why?” Simple enough question, but for someone who makes it a habit to rush through nearly every single thing (who grows impatient at the slightest delay), it was a question forcing me to be truthful with myself. What was the rush? The truth was there was no rush. There was nothing else that HAD to be done. There was nothing more pressing hanging over my head. The only thing on the agenda for the morning was baking baguettes. For years I’ve held goal after goal, one grand expectation after another, over my head. I worked a full time job and had to complete my college degree in record time (while maintaining a high GPA). I graduated and then HAD to learn the publishing industry and write the perfect first novel. After that, I HAD to come up with an exciting and profitable business idea that would make me financially independent. But no one was forcing any of this – it was me against myself. I was my own worse enemy. True, I learned a lot during those years. One of the greatest lessons: if you keep pushing yourself nonstop with over-the-top expectations, you will suffer. Your health will suffer first. Then your closest relationships. Your happiness will be non-existent. I am way overdue to live according to my own natural rhythm.
My natural rhythm is this: slow and steady. A frenetic pace stresses me out. And believe me, all those years of essentially working two full-time jobs was frenetic and stressed me out: tightness in my chest; constant shallow breathing; constant stomach upset with additional GI issues; headaches; and moodiness (just ask my hubby about this one). I was, no doubt, slowly killing myself. I started practicing mindfulness within the past year, but found it taking a backseat to the demons rattling my mind (or what I sometimes refer to as my monkey brain). Fear and doubt are slick little bastards – it only takes a sliver of opportunity for them to set up shop in my head. But here on this Sunday morning, having to commit four hours to making bread, was what I needed to practice mindfulness once again. And it is a practice. It doesn’t come overnight – it’s a constant effort to practice in order to eventually become a master (same applies to meditation). So when it was time to knead the dough, I narrowed my thoughts to my hands working through the dough. The only thing that existed at that moment was my breath, my hands, and the dough taking shape within my hands. For ten minutes these were the only things that existed in my world.
Afterwards, I felt calm. It was an extraordinary practice in patience. This is how life is meant to be lived – one single moment at a time. Not rushing from one place to another, or from one goal to the next. Learning patience, mastering mindfulness is my destination. Nothing else. It will help me be a better artist, a better wife, a better friend. It will help me stay healthy. It will lead me to great places that rushing would have never taken me. I am grateful for the continuing lesson. I am ready to just be. All that is good and abundant in this life will comes to me with ease. I am at peace with myself – I am enough. And for this particular lesson I am forever grateful.
Rethinking the format of this journal. By week’s end last week I was emotionally exhausted and I attributed it too a lot of things, one being putting my personal thoughts “out there” for the world to see (even if only one person read it). I believe I will keep the gratitude portion, but then focus more on creativity. Need to put some thought into it.
I am grateful for my overall great health. Despite this hip issue and my arthritis, I have it pretty good compared to others.
I am grateful for discovering new artists – they light my way.
I am grateful for my perseverance. I may get down still from time to time, but I am able to keep moving forward. I refuse to let depression shackle me.
I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have met online – I have met my best friends this way. Sometimes the internet is a great place.
I am grateful it’s Friday! I know, this one is kind of lame, but so true. May I get to a place soon where days of the week are totally irrelevant.
This morning was a struggle to come in here to share my daily post. I am an introvert through and through, so I have struggled in the past (and now) with continually putting myself out “there”. This is why I loathe the idea of hustling, of the idea of having a blog and constantly updating social media in order to gain a following. It’s not that I don’t want to connect with like-minded people – I totally do – but I love my private world. I prefer to reflect internally rather than externally. To publicize my feelings and thoughts is a pretty big hurdle. But, I will at least make an effort. I need to make the conscious effort to rein in my brain to keep it from running away with me (“Check your stats! Is anybody reading? More! More! More!”).
And this act alone is exhausting. For real. However, I am, without a doubt, WAY happier these days and a truly optimistic and positive person, but I’m also over denying the existence of my true self. My true self IS a quiet woman. My true self IS a thinker, a learner, someone who will think through her thoughts before speaking. My true self DOES get exhausted constantly being around others. My true self relishes silence over noise. I love my true self, even when others don’t understand (usually the extroverts – which includes the hubby). My true self cares deeply for the causes she believes in. My true self is seeking absolute fulfillment in life, which includes the career. I dismiss the notion that this isn’t possible. It is. And I am going to make it happen.
Today is a really good day. I will focus on being relaxed, on being the true me. It’s the only reality I will embrace.